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Sher's Blog Archive Hits This is What Treason Really Looks Like, Ann White House Prayer Meetings as a Substitute for Ethical Behavior This Ain't Your Grandma's Party! Sher's Ratios: Sex to Scandal and Mischief to Money Fourth Grade Economics Midterm My Pitch to the Club for Growth
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Fixing Accounts Receivable One of the more bewildering aspects of Dittohead is the associations it carries for the term “IRS,” the government agency responsible for collecting revenues. Considering the reverence that Dittohead affords terms like “law and order,” “tax cuts,” “military spending,” and “corporate subsidies,” students of Dittohead naturally assume that an organization that is so closely related to all of these should be held in similar regard. Highly efficient revenue generation, with proper staffing and modern equipment, maximizes revenues without tax increases. Instead, the Dittohead term “IRS” has much the same connotation as the phrase “evil empire.” This is why Dittohead-conversant politicians see guerilla (and occasionally open) war on the IRS as their patriotic duty. Scene: Arlington, Texas, Late 20th Century. (Phone rings) “Texas Rangers Accounts Receivable Department, Ruben Gonzales speaking.” “Buenos Dias, Speedy, this is George. Could you come up to my office?” “Yes Sir, I’ll be right up.” (Five minutes later) “Here’s the deal, Ruben. I’ve gotten some complaints from season ticket owners that you’ve been harassing them.” “Sir, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” “Let me show you. One of them faxed over a letter you sent.” “I don’t understand, Sir. This is the standard form letter the Accounts Receivable system sends if payment is overdue.” “Well, season ticket holders are our best customers. They’re also the most influential people in town. We can’t afford to be treating them like the riff-raff. I have some plans that depend on staying on their good side.” “Sir, it’s standard procedure in any business to send a reminder when payment is late. And season’s ticket holders aren’t pillars of virtue when it comes to paying. They’re late all the time, and it costs us a bundle. Season’s ticket holders are our biggest source of revenue, and our biggest source of headaches.” “You’re not hearing me, Ruben. I don’t want you sending out any more letters.” “Sir, I’ve never heard of an Accounts Receivable operation that doesn’t send reminders when payment is overdue. We can change the text of the letter if you’d like, but as you can see it’s already pretty innocuous. It merely says that we have not yet received their payment. I don’t understand how they could take offense.” “Here’s the bottom line, Ruben. I’ve been looking at the budget, and salaries and postage in the Accounts Receivable department are major sources of expense for the Club. I’ve decided we need to cut back. If we aren’t mailing those dunning notices, you don’t need nearly as many staff.” “With all due respect, Sir, cutting back on the Accounts Receivable Department would be crazy. All the Club’s revenues funnel through that department. We already have more work than we can handle even without the late notices. If there is any department in the organization that should be fully staffed, it’s A/R! A single oversight could cost the Team far more than the salary of a single staffer. Also, don’t forget that season’s ticket holders talk to each other. If they find out that we won’t make a peep, we’ll be the last to be paid. It could have a huge impact on revenues!” “Sorry, Speedy, it’s a done deal. Here’s the new org chart for your department. Tell the ones we’re letting go that they get two week’s severance. They…Hey, man, you don’t look too good! Don’t worry, you’ve still got a job!” (Two weeks later). “Sir, can I see you?” “What’s up, Speedy?” “Here is my resignation, Sir. I’m sorry, but I can’t run a department where it is impossible to meet accounting standards.” “Well, that’s too bad, Speedy. What are you going to do?” “I’ve gotten a job with the Internal Revenue Service in Dallas. They seem to be attracted to my experience working with high net worth individuals.” “Ok, good luck then, Ruben.” (Two years later) (Phone rings) “Internal Revenue Service, Ruben Gonzales speaking.” “Mr. Gonzales, this is Director Newton. Could you come up to my office?” “Yes Sir, I’ll be right up.” (30 minutes later, as Director Newton stands to end the discussion.) “Sorry, Gonzales, it’s a done deal. Here’s the new org chart for your department. Tell the ones we’re letting go that they get the standard severance package. They…Now see here, Gonzales! This is hardly a laughing matter!” |
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