Feature of the Week
The insurgency in Iraq has been remarkably effective, particularly in its use of a weapon so new that a special acronym had to be coined for it: IED, for Improvised Explosive Device. These are becoming more and more effective. Consider that there were 700 IED attacks since May, causing 68 deaths. One question seems to be ignored in all of this: where did all these explosives come from? Here’s a journal entry from last year that perhaps adds some insight on this question: The Fruits of Incompetence
06.25.05 @ 07:38 PM EDT [link]

Focus Group at the Willard
Scene: Willard Hotel conference room in Washington DC. Karl Rove: “Thanks for coming, everyone. I know that none of you have ever been part of a focus group before, so let me just reassure you that it’s very simple. I’ll mention an issue, and everyone should feel free to say anything they want about what the President’s policy on that issue should be. Ready? Good. Let’s start with the Inheritance Tax. Yes, you in the front.” “It’s absolutely essential that the repeal of the death tax be made permanent! It’s the only way to save family businesses from having to be broken up to pay it.” “Does anyone agree with that position?” (All hands go up.) “OK, since we have a consensus on that, let’s move on to the deficit. Yes, go ahead.” “I say that deficits don’t matter. What’s most important is that the country can meet its wartime obligations to secure the homeland while maintaining the low tax rates that our continued prosperity and strength require.” “How about that position? Does anyone agree?” (All hands go up.) “OK, let’s move on to the War in Iraq. What should the President’s policy be? You in the back.” “President Bush needs to stay the course! Fighting for freedom is a noble cause. If we cut and run, we’ll only encourage terrorists and dictators around the globe. Our losses are far fewer than in past conflicts, and spending on the war is good for the economy. Besides, we need more payback for 9/11. The Muslims need to know the consequences of attacking us!” “Does anyone agree with that position?” (All hands go up.) “Finally, let’s discuss Social Security. Yes.” (Pointing). “This country absolutely needs private retirement accounts. Why shouldn’t retirees get a decent return on their payroll contributions?” “Does anyone agree with that position?” (All hands go up.) “That certainly went quickly! In any case, the President has authorized me to make you a special offer. Each of you was selected for this focus group based on your seven figure contributions to the Party. If enough of you agree to double your contributions, the President guarantees to abide by the views you’ve expressed today, no matter what the polls say. Who is ready to support our President in this time of crisis for the Nation? (All hands go up.)

(Later, as Rove is debriefing Cheney). “This is a great deal, Dick. Not only do we increase the coffers, but the people in the Base that aren’t well-heeled actually like it when the Prez ignores the polls! Now that’s what I call a win-win!”
06.24.05 @ 08:08 PM EDT [link]

Bear Right on Sesame Street
Scene: Office of Kenneth Tomlinson, new Conservative Chairman of PBS. Speaking is their new president, Patricia Harrison (former Republican Party co-chair). “Thank you all for coming. I have to say what an honor is to have the creative minds behind Sesame Street here with me today! My kids loved your show when they were growing up. But that’s the point, isn’t it? Even after all these years, the same characters. Big Bird, Cookie Monster, Count. They’re great and all. One could maybe raise some questions about the values they’re teaching, though. Look at Count and Cookie Monster. The main characteristic about both is obsession. Not that obsession can be a bad thing; it just depends on what you’re obsessed about. Being obsessed about proper values, that’s a good thing! But being obsessed about cookies, or the Count’s OCD ritual counting, maybe not so good. Anyway, we’ve worked up some ideas for some new characters we’d like you to consider. First we’ve got Straight Arrow and Stands Behind (Pat holds up a drawing of an Indian brave and squaw couple.) They can help the Show to better emphasize the importance of traditional marriage between one man and one woman. OK, here’s White Dove. He represents the Holy Spirit of the Christian Trinity. He’s needed to bring balance to the Show’s current absence of themes related to religious belief. His shtick is to provide the most appropriate New Testament quote to the current storyline. In fact, he only speaks “red letter” lines. (laughs) Next is Seal, the CEO of his family’s Fish Packing company. He has lots of perks, and the rest of the characters treat him like royalty. The idea is to provide the children viewing the Show some characters that inspire by showing the rewards of hard work. This is exemplified by Seal’s assistant, Flunkey, who has been the mainstay of the business since before Seal inherited ownership. Next is Rock, our military archetype. I’m sure you see where we’re going with him. Here’s Ellie the Elephant. She’s the smartest, most compassionate, and most patriotic character of all. Don’t you love her red, white, and blue stripes? Where there’s good there has to be evil, personified by Billary the Mangy Donkey. Finally, we have gNOme. gNOme personifies the value of “just saying no.” In fact, that’s all he ever says. He’ll allow the Show to take stands against the rampant permissiveness in our society. I expect that he’ll be a very popular character with your new scriptwriters. Oops, I forgot to mention the staff changes. Anyway, that’s it. Ralph here will be working with you on transitioning in the new characters. You can take all the time you need, but we’re thinking three weeks is plenty. OK, let’s get out there and teach some right values!”
06.23.05 @ 09:42 PM EDT [link]

Arkansas on the Atlantic
The other day I was on the treadmill at my Manhattan health club at lunch and caught a political ad by the NJ Republican Candidate for governor. What was his plan for the state’s persistent budget problems? A 30% cut in taxes! It hit me that what we have here is a case of mistaken identity. He’s running for governor all right, but not in New Jersey. He’s running to be governor of Arkansas! That got me thinking about what it would look like if a similar bait and switch were pulled in a family situation. Scene: A living room in an upscale NJ suburb. Father: “I got everyone in the family together to tell you some exciting news. “I’ve found a way to dramatically reduce family expenses. The savings boil down to a 30% increase for everyone. Honey, you’ll be getting a 30% increase in your household allowance, and both Jamie and Bonnie will be getting a 30% in your allowances. That’s assuming you agree to accept those increases” (Laughs and cheers from the family, who goes out celebrating that night). Two weeks later. “Dad, what’s that van doing outside?” “That’s the mover. Its step one of the plan we all agreed to at the family meeting. Tomorrow we get on the plane to Bentonville.” “What do you mean, ‘mover.’ And what the heck is a Bentonville?” It’s in Arkansas, where we’re moving.” (Wife and daughter walk in) “What do you mean, moving?!” “It’s a great deal! I added up the amount we’ll save in property taxes, commuting expenses, mortgage on a house this size, and some other things, and found we can live in Bentonville for 30% less in Arkansas. That’s where your bonuses are coming from.” “Won’t that be a long trip for me to get back from Princeton after I start there next year?” “That’s one of the great thing about Arkansas, Jamie. All my sources say you don’t really need a college education to get a job there, so I booked the reduced educational costs into our savings.” “What about my internship with Merck Pharmaceuticals, Dad?” “Don’t worry, Bonnie. I was able to line you up an equivalent internship at Wal-Mart headquarters. It’s actually just 10 minutes from where we’ll live. Actually, Wal-Mart Headquarters is 10 minutes from everything in Bentonville, which is where I came up with the commuting savings.” “Rob, what about our rental on the Shore? We’ve gone to Barnegat Beach State Park since we were kids.” “No problem, Joyce. People in Arkansas go to the Gulf Coast’s Redneck Riviera in the summer. Maybe it doesn’t have all the amenities of the Jersey Shore, but a beach is a beach, right? Look, everyone, we all voted for that 30% bonus, and I delivered! OK, time to head down to the firing range. One of the benefits of living in Arkansas is that there’s no hassle to buying a gun, and my contacts tell me we should take advantage of the opportunity. Something about ‘the Deputy can’t be everywhere,’ whatever that means. Let’s think of it as just another part of our exciting new adventure!”
06.22.05 @ 09:16 PM EDT [link]

The Heartbeats of Evolution
The political religious right has many unappealing qualities. High on the list is smugness and sanctimoniousness, their serene, holier than thou presumption of perfect knowledge of God’s plan not only for their own lives but the lives of their neighbors, countrymen, and in fact all human, animal, and plant life. Higher on the list is their inconsistency and hypocrisy in cherry-picking political positions based on tortuous, self-serving interpretations of obscure scripture while ignoring much more direct and obvious passages that inconveniently mismatch their political impulses. I find all of these characteristics to be distasteful, but to my mind they are all trumped by the right’s hatred of science. It’s not only that their sniffing at science embodies all of the above shortcomings: smugness, sanctimoniousness, inconsistency, and hypocrisy. I take personal offense with their attitudes because I count myself as a personal victim. I’ve already recounted my dismay at discovering fifteen years after my high school biology class that my Bible belt lessons on evolution had been a deliberate lie. That wasn’t the only case, though. As a young boy I took great enjoyment in the works of Issac Asimov, and not only his science fiction novels. He was also a prolific writer of books popularizing science, the latter-day equivalents of Steven Hawking’s A Brief History of Time. One interesting chapter in one of Asimov’s books (View From a Height, if I recall) had to do with an anomaly in the number of heartbeats different animal species accumulated over their lifetimes. He calculated this value as the heart rate per minute times the average number of minutes of life expectance (years x 365 x 24 x 60 x 60). Asimov pointed out that the number of human heartbeats greatly exceeded any other animal he considered, but had no explanation for it. I recall thinking that if I ever found the answer to this conundrum I’d have gained a truly important insight. This answer came many years later, in my burst readings on real biology (the kind that uses evolution as its central organizing principle) rather than the fake biology taught in Florida schools in the fifties (and, sad to say, throughout the 21st Century South). The answer has to do with the evolutionary advantage a big brain provides. It replaces brute force manipulation of objects with mental manipulation of symbols, the basis for all human accomplishment. This advantage comes with a steep price tag – the extraordinarily long growth period these big brains require, and the vulnerability this long period of infancy creates. How does evolution mitigate this vulnerability? By allowing preceding generations to live longer (clocking up additional heartbeats) so that they can assist with child-rearing. It’s amazing how many fundamental human characteristics can be similarly explained with a few simple concepts. Why aren’t these powerful insights being taught in schools? It comes down to vanity, plain and simple. And doesn’t the Bible have something to say about vanity?
06.21.05 @ 09:45 PM EDT [link]

Memo from Bernie
As has been widely reported, Governor Jeb Bush of Florida recently requested an investigation into a particular detail of the Schiavo case, a case otherwise closed (after fifteen years and 21 separate legal actions) by the medical examiner’s report. Gov Bush requested this investigation of Bernie McCabe, State Attorney of Pinellas County (a Republican), who agreed to pursue it. As a public service, SherWright offers the text from McCabe’s memo in reply to Gov Bush’s request: “Dear Jeb: Great to hear from you! How long has it been, six months from the last Party get-together? I certainly enjoyed kicking around some ideas on the Schiavo case with you back then, and I am indeed delighted to be picking up the torch on the whole enchilada! Not that there aren’t some hefty challenges here. There’s already been some grousing from the investigators I pulled to work on this, something about “going after real criminals.” As if there could be a higher priority to keeping Schiavo “alive,” so to speak! I know you caught a lot of flak from Important Citizens because St. Pete PD wimped out on rolling her out before they could pull the plug. Don’t think for a second that this Office will let you down like that! Here’s the scenario I’ve got the boys working on. The perpetrator wakes up at 4:30 AM, just like he told Larry King. He sees his wife on the floor, and decides that this is the perfect opportunity to check out how green the grass is on the other side of the hill, if you catch my meaning. He lounges around waiting to call 911 until she’s expired. In court we’ll paint a word picture of him pulling up a chair beside her so he can watch in comfort. Maybe putting on a DVD. Oops, just realized they didn’t have DVDs in 1990. OK, maybe he turns on those early morning exercise babes. I’ll have the boys make sure they were on back then. Anyway, an hour and a half goes by and he starts to get nervous. He decides it would look better if she expires in the ambulance rather than the house. So he calls 911, but you know what they say about criminals – they always slip up! Hubby’s slipup was blurting out the truth about getting up “about 4:30,” after saying “5:00” on the stand and with 911 records clearly showing it was 5:40. Of course, he tried to cover his tracks with the lame excuses that he “didn’t have a watch on” and “wasn’t good with times.” But it looks like we have a clear shot at a perjury indictment, as long as we end up with enough members of the grand jury that are still hot over the whole episode. Of course, a conviction is unlikely – the odds are too great that we’ll end up with a closet liberal on the jury, even here in Pinellas. No matter, though. As you pointed out when we talked earlier this week, you’ll have generated enough payback for the base to be happy with you again, just in time for the 2008 fundraising kickoff. Anyway, it’s my pleasure to help out on this critical Party issue, and I guarantee you’ll be glad you did! Give my love to Columba and the kids (especially little Jebbie), and see you next month at the Party Barbecue. All the Best, Bernie
06.20.05 @ 08:25 PM EDT [link]

Monkey Video
The US has earned remarkable international acclaim over the last several years for being duped by right wing operatives. Today’s spotlight dupes are the Iraqi Invasion and the Schiavo Video. With the Downing Street Memo, we now have “smoking gun” evidence that the Bush Administration’s plan from Day 1 was Whatever It Takes to ensure there was a pretext for war. What It Took was cooking intelligence and sabotaging attempts at mediation of the dispute over WMD, weapons which of course turned out not to exist. We’ve also just discovered that the key piece of “evidence” in the Schiavo case, the video created by her parents, was similarly fabricated. This was the video that had a decisive impact on the case, convincing many that Terri was responsive to her parents and thus not really in a comatose state like, say, Tom DeLay’s father (whom as you will recall expired after Tom pulled the plug on his respirator). We now know that the Terri video was a cooked as the intelligence on Iraqi WMD. They reportedly took 10 hours of video, and snipped it down to a short segment where she seemed to be responding to her mother. We now know that she was blind, and therefore incapable of such a response. Her apparent responsiveness was entirely due to the “Encyclopedia Britannica” effect, coined from the famous definition of eternity as the time it would take a monkey typing randomly to author a typo-free version of this multi-volume tome. If you point a video camera long enough at a person making random movements, eventually you’ll catch them doing something seemingly significant, even if they are blind and brain-dead such that there can be no reality behind these motions. This is the principle behind many of the laughs on America’s Funniest Home Videos. It’s why, for example, a tree can be seen to wave back in return to a friendly greeting. While the Schiavo video was the most influential recording since the Zapruder film, it had the same level of cynical artifice as a wartime propaganda film. And, considering the right wing’s delight in heating up the culture wars, that’s exactly what it is!
06.19.05 @ 05:27 PM EDT [link]