Feature of the Week
What else could it be but Terri and Tom “Pull the Plug” DeLay’s Dad Side by Side?
BTW, readers of Dan’s great blogs from last week can check out his band’s site (and listen to a selection of his great songs):TwoLooksAway!
06.17.05 @ 10:25 PM EDT [link]

Abe Survives
Presidential Address, June 1867
Fellow Citizens, it’s now been two years since our forces overran the illegitimate regime of Jefferson Davis, and also since the failed assassination attempt that represented the last, futile attempt by agents of that regime to stop its inevitable demise. I’m pleased to report to you that our interment of members of the Davis regime continues to provide important intelligence, particularly from ringleader Lee. The information the detainees have provided has prevented significant terrorist operations not only in the Occupied South but also in the Union Homeland. While for reasons of national security I cannot give you details on the attacks prevented, I can assure you that these continued interrogations are absolutely essential to fulfilling our solemn duty to protect the lives of Union citizens. These successes make clear the need to see the fight against the separatist insurgency through to its final conclusion, however long that might take. We cannot afford to relax our vigilance! The Appomattox combatants in Charlotte Amalie, safely beyond the reach of interference from foreign or domestic sources, must remain in detention. Some have called for their release, falsely claiming that the name “US Virgin Islands” has become synonymous with abuse of human rights. My answer is that it was the Union that was abused! Those that are not with us in this patriotic endeavor are against us. These enemy operatives demonstrated, in the course of four long years of conflict, their fervent desire to harm the Union and all that it stands for. Releasing them can only reignite an insurgency that, during the main period of conflict from 1861 to 1865, caused so much pain and hardship to Union sons, mothers, and fathers. How can we now expect them to resume their former lives when they burn with hatred for all we stand for! Shall we now return to the dark days of open rebellion? Never! We will stay the course, using whatever means it may require, until we can be completely sure that the South will not rise again!
06.16.05 @ 10:41 PM EDT [link]

Preview of Our New Right Wing NPR
It’s been widely reported that the right wing has been making a run at NPR, both by trying to eliminate federal funding and by trying to pack it’s management ranks with right wing ideologues. They claim to want to bring “balance” to its reporting, but the “balance” they’re after is about as balanced as the balance that existed in Star Wars Episode III after the Jedi were massacred! Last summer I did some musing on what an NPR “balanced” to right wing specifications might sound like. It bears a replay.
MICHELE NORRIS, host: Talking about coddling terrorists, here’s something that’s just unbelievable. The liberal Israeli Supreme Court is forcing a change in Israel's project to build a security wall in the West Bank. Folks, we all know that the barrier an essential means of protecting Israelis against Palestinian suicide bombers. Today, the court ruled nearly 20 miles of the barrier must be rerouted to reduce “hardships” to the surrounding Palestinian population. Israel's Defense Ministry, caving to liberal carping, says it will comply with the ruling. NPR's Peter Kenyon reports. PETER KENYON reporting: The area at issue in this case is a 24-mile stretch of the barrier north and west of Jerusalem, amid Palestinian villages such as Beit Surik and Bidu. Eight villages sued the state over the barrier's route, and they were joined by residents of Israeli towns in the area as well. How can that be legal, Michele? I mean, they’re Palestinians, meaning terrorist sympathizers at the very least, and an Israeli court is listening to them? And what about those Israeli traitors? Mr. MOHAMMED DAHLE (Attorney): The Supreme Court basically accepted our arguments that if Israel wants to build a wall it can build a wall in a way that it does not infringe upon basic rights of Palestinians in an inproportionate manner. This decision is a precedent and it will have ramifications on all other petitions that are pending before the Supreme Court now. KENYON: Ladies and Gentlemen, now you know why Shakespeare said “first we kill all the lawyers.” We need to find out where he got that degree. Probably Baghdad. Anyway, today's ruling comes 10 days before the so-called “International Court of Justice” in The Hague is due to issue an opinion on the legality of the entire barrier. As if we didn’t know what that kangaroo court will say! Israel has already demonstrated its displeasure with the case, failing to appear for oral arguments. They know the score. It’s just another corrupt international organization like the UN. Freeze them out! A stack of further petitions against various other sections of the barrier is waiting in the wings. So the floodgates have opened! What a surprise, my friends! Peter Kenyon, NPR News, Jerusalem.
06.15.05 @ 09:07 PM EDT [link]

Dittoheads Discover Political Correctness!
Since Day 1 the right wing has been excoriating liberals for political correctness, but just this last week a great new political Rubicon has been crossed. Dittoheads have discovered a brand-new enthusiasm for PC! The impetus for this change of heart was Howard Dean’s observation that “Republicans are, by and large, white Christians.” The outrage that poured forth had all the trappings of a PC police action. First, the statement in question was, on the face of it, literally true. There certainly are Republicans that aren’t Christian or White, but those people are covered under Dean’s “by and large” caveat. Nobody has stepped up to offer facts that Republicans aren’t, by and large, white Christians. This leads to the second component of political correctness – outrage over mention of a taboo topic, usually race, and the third and final component – piling on. And oh have they piled on! Even Dick Cheney weighed in by saying “I’ve never been able to understand his appeal. Maybe his mother loved him, but I’ve never met anyone who does.” I personally would have thought, not knowing the identity of the speaker, that it was Cheney rather than Dean being referred to! In any case, Dick’s statement is actually pretty reasonable. Considering that virtually all of his socializing occurs at right wing fat cat fundraisers, what are the odds that a Deaniac would be showing up there? The true significance of the discovery of political correctness by the right wing is that it adds yet another way for them to be able to simultaneously talk out of both sides of the mouth. Consider Rush Limbaugh’s explanation for the shortness of his career as a football commentator: “My comments were blown out of proportion by the PC police.” Now, Dittoheads can both use PC not only as a shield but also as a sword. While unimaginative people may say that hypocrisy is unappealing, they clearly don’t understand the power of the dark side!
06.14.05 @ 09:04 PM EDT [link]

Keeping All Options on the Table
Closing out our series on Europe as a paragon of Dittohead values, let’s look at what the Bush Administration can do to help Europe build on this legacy, becoming in the process a full-fledged example of what can happen when traditional extreme right wing values run supreme. God knows America needs an example! With liberals representing a full half of the population (fortunately the half with zero political power), Americans need to see the paradise on earth that beckons when individualism and unencumbered property rights hold sway. We’ve already seen the sterling example Europe provides with its pay toilets – let’s imagine that this important sub-continent dramatically replicates this and other exemplary values to create an entirely new birth of freedom. A small impediment to realizing this compelling vision is that Europeans seem oblivious to the opportunity, so we need to give them some incentive. I picture it as a kind of Marshall Plan, only this time instead of money for post-war rebuilding we’re exporting our right-wing values. As to the post-war part, hopefully it won’t come to that, but it has to be recognized that spreading American values via military invasion is a Bush Administration core competency (and can we really afford to take this option “off the table?”). In any case, let’s assume that somehow we’ve gotten Europe on board with needed reforms. Where to start? Well, first we need to do something about that nationalized health care. It’s just too embarrassing to have a system that costs so much less that America’s free enterprise based healthcare system. I propose Operation HMO To Go, with the military parachuting in an emergency cadre of claims adjusters. Or maybe those planes should be airdropping handguns – it’s a tough call on whether bringing Europe under the nestling arm of the Second Amendment is a higher priority than a properly-functioning health system. Here’s a win-win solution to this conundrum: the health claims adjusters can sit on the gun crates as they’re dropped out of the planes! The synergies are indeed beautiful – in one fell swoop we eliminate Europe’s unfair health care advantage (no expenditure of medical talent on plugging gunshot wounds) while showing the French what egalite’ really means! Here’s another set of synergistic initiatives: heavy duty tax cuts paired with massive increases in defense spending, to bring American-style fiscal sanity to Euro-ledgers. The following examples of European imbalance are left to the reader to devise the proper Dittohead approach to “bring balance to the farce” of Old Europe’s unamerican vestiges: six week vacations, weird political parties named for colors, and, in particular, foreign languages. (Hint: consider the phrase “recruiting targets.”)
06.13.05 @ 08:15 PM EDT [link]