07/04/2005: "George’s New Ride"
(Scene: Karl’s Used Cars, Fall 2001) “Yo, Car-Karl! How they hanging?” “Hello, George. Good to see you back on the lot. You lookin’ for a new vehicle?” “Ubetcha, old buddy.” “Anything wrong with the last vehicle I sold you, George? It was a Uniter, right?” “Well, Karl, the Uniter was a fine vehicle. It certainly got me where I wanted to go last year, but times have changed. I need something more powerful, something I can ride longer, say four more years. I’ve got some big plans that require a vehicle that lets me roll over any obstacle.” “Sounds like you need some kind of All Terrain Vehicle, George. What sort of plans, if you don’t mind me asking?” “Well, Karl, I’ve got some unfinished family business to take care of, back from when Dad was in charge. I’ll need something that will get me into the desert. Also, I’m a little PO’d about what the competition is saying about me. I want a ride that’s so intimidating it’ll really shut them up! It has to be so formidable that when customers see me doing some hard driving, they’ll just have to say ‘He da man!’ and sign up to be serviced for years to come.” “What price range are you thinking about, George.” “The sky’s the limit, Karl! I’ve lined up an unlimited line of credit with First Bank of China, and I’ve got some friends with very deep pockets, so I’m ready to spend whatever it takes to keep the franchise going!” “George, you’re in luck! I’ve got just the vehicle for you. It’s the new 9/11 from Hummer. Here it is over here.” “Whoa, Karl, that’s one amazing vehicle! Something like this sure doesn’t come around very often!” “Actually, George, we think the 9/11 is a truly unique vehicle, the very first in its class. It will give you options that no other vehicle has ever provided. Note the special bumpers. They’ll let you crash through barriers that stop cold vehicles like, say, your Dad’s. The marketing guys call it ‘convention breaking.’ Even if you take a route that’s real torture, you’ll ride in comfort high above it all. Look at these windows. They’re made of a special rose-tinted glass. Wherever you travel, they filter out distracting perspectives. It’ll look like everyone you’re driving by is cheering. It’ll be great for helping to stay the course no matter how rocky the road is! Lots of cargo space for those pet projects of yours, George. I heard you’ve been working with Doc Frist to get First Evangelical’s Ten Commandments monument over to the courthouse where more people can see it. The 9/11 is just the vehicle for the job. Ten tons in the bed won’t even slow it down!” “Sounds great, Karl. What colors does it come in?” “Red, white, blue, or three-tone.” “Definitely the three tone, Car-Karl. I want to be as visible with my 9/11 as possible. With any luck, it’ll still be wowing them in 2005!”