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06/22/2005: "Arkansas on the Atlantic"

The other day I was on the treadmill at my Manhattan health club at lunch and caught a political ad by the NJ Republican Candidate for governor. What was his plan for the state’s persistent budget problems? A 30% cut in taxes! It hit me that what we have here is a case of mistaken identity. He’s running for governor all right, but not in New Jersey. He’s running to be governor of Arkansas! That got me thinking about what it would look like if a similar bait and switch were pulled in a family situation. Scene: A living room in an upscale NJ suburb. Father: “I got everyone in the family together to tell you some exciting news. “I’ve found a way to dramatically reduce family expenses. The savings boil down to a 30% increase for everyone. Honey, you’ll be getting a 30% increase in your household allowance, and both Jamie and Bonnie will be getting a 30% in your allowances. That’s assuming you agree to accept those increases” (Laughs and cheers from the family, who goes out celebrating that night). Two weeks later. “Dad, what’s that van doing outside?” “That’s the mover. Its step one of the plan we all agreed to at the family meeting. Tomorrow we get on the plane to Bentonville.” “What do you mean, ‘mover.’ And what the heck is a Bentonville?” It’s in Arkansas, where we’re moving.” (Wife and daughter walk in) “What do you mean, moving?!” “It’s a great deal! I added up the amount we’ll save in property taxes, commuting expenses, mortgage on a house this size, and some other things, and found we can live in Bentonville for 30% less in Arkansas. That’s where your bonuses are coming from.” “Won’t that be a long trip for me to get back from Princeton after I start there next year?” “That’s one of the great thing about Arkansas, Jamie. All my sources say you don’t really need a college education to get a job there, so I booked the reduced educational costs into our savings.” “What about my internship with Merck Pharmaceuticals, Dad?” “Don’t worry, Bonnie. I was able to line you up an equivalent internship at Wal-Mart headquarters. It’s actually just 10 minutes from where we’ll live. Actually, Wal-Mart Headquarters is 10 minutes from everything in Bentonville, which is where I came up with the commuting savings.” “Rob, what about our rental on the Shore? We’ve gone to Barnegat Beach State Park since we were kids.” “No problem, Joyce. People in Arkansas go to the Gulf Coast’s Redneck Riviera in the summer. Maybe it doesn’t have all the amenities of the Jersey Shore, but a beach is a beach, right? Look, everyone, we all voted for that 30% bonus, and I delivered! OK, time to head down to the firing range. One of the benefits of living in Arkansas is that there’s no hassle to buying a gun, and my contacts tell me we should take advantage of the opportunity. Something about ‘the Deputy can’t be everywhere,’ whatever that means. Let’s think of it as just another part of our exciting new adventure!”