[Previous entry: "Please Show Your Card"] [Main Index] [Next entry: "Target of Opportunity"]

05/25/2005: "Smokey Brought to Bear"

Scene: Meeting at EPA Headquarters. “Hello, everyone, I’m EPA Director Gale Norton, and I’m very pleased to introduce one of my personal heroes from way back from when I was a little girl. Smokey?” “Hello, boys and girls. Remember, only YOU can prevent forest fires.” (Laughter) “Just like I remember! Anyway, we brought you here today, Smokey, because we have some big ideas for expanding your role as a Bush Administration spokesman. Excuse me, spokesbear! The sad fact is that our economic approach to environmental regulation isn’t understood the way we would like it to be. People think that we won’t do a new regulation unless there is no impact whatsoever to property rights or economic activity. They think that, since regulation by definition impacts these things, we are opposed to any new regulation. They also feel that we’d like to dump most of the regulations already on the books. It’s all true, of course, but we don’t want people to feel that way. There’s just too much hysteria among voters around the whole environmental thing. Most importantly, regulation is a big deal with our Base because control of natural resources is often the basis for the wealth of America’s most productive people. And their wealth is our wealth, if you catch my drift! (Laughter). However, the common folk are easily manipulated into not understanding that environmental regulation imposes a huge burden on their lifestyle. They need to see that their own personal choices and not just those of faceless industrial enterprises that are being constrained by overregulation. Our PR firm noodled this for awhile and then came up with this flash: enlist one the government’s most trusted personalities to shill for our environmental initiatives! We worked it out with Interior (and I have to tell you that the Forest Service was not at all happy about it!), but it’s now a done deal. We’ll start with Clear Skies, then arsenic standards, and make sure you’re lined up for ANWR as soon as it starts to get messy up there. Any questions, anyone?” (Applause and cheers). “Smokey, it sounds like I’m speaking for the group when I say how great it is to have you on board! Any thoughts you’d like to leave with us?” “Stir the fire, then drown it, then stir again. Only YOU can prevent forest fires!”