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05/24/2005: "Please Show Your Card"

Scene: US Hospital emergency room, circa 2015. “May I help you?” “Yes, they just brought in my son. He was hit by a baseball and knocked unconscious. I’m here to complete the paperwork.” “I see. Do you have his card?” “You mean his national health card?” “What do you mean, national health card?” “I’m sorry, even though my son is a US citizen, I’m from Britain and I really don’t understand your healthcare system. What do you mean by ‘card’?” “I’m talking about his voter registration card.” “Excuse me, I don’t see what that could possibly have to do with health care.” “OK, let me explain. We get foreign visitors in here all the time and it always takes them awhile to understand our system, so don’t take it to heart. Back in the final years of the Bush Administration, after the Hell No riots following the ’06 elections, Congress passed the Agree to Disagree Act. The country felt that the partisan gulf on medical issues had gotten just too wide to bridge, so Democrats cut a deal with Republicans that the GOP could do whatever it wanted on health care, abortion, and medical research, as long as it only affected Republicans. Likewise Democrats gained the authority to set up their own system, but that only Democrats could use. Every citizen made an irrevocable decision on what system they wanted to belong to. This affected every aspect of their healthcare, including taxes and employer contributions. On your 18th birthday you go down to the courthouse to get your red or blue card. So which card does your son have?” “Oh, Dear, I’m not sure. He really doesn’t speak about politics. Is there that much difference between the systems?” “Well, if he has a red card, we’d process him like this. First we’d run him through HAA. What? Oh, sorry, HAA is the HMO Auto-Adjudication network set up by the private carriers. They’ve set up an electronic lawsuit system where the various HMOs sue each other over every case, based on all possible ties a person might have to coverage through an employer, former employer, relative, common law relation, roommate, etc. It also factors in pre-existing conditions, which with DNA screening means every disease you’re destined to get during your lifetime. It sounds complicated but the Artificial Intelligences at each HMO are able to finish electronic litigation within a day or two. Most of the time. Sometimes it has to go to MESS. That’s the Medical Electronic Supreme System.” “My lord, that sounds complicated! How long does payment take?” “Ha ha! I was just talking about the pre-approvals! Treatments take awhile, and then the legal AIs start the process over to determine payment amounts.” “OK, what about the blue card system?” “Oh, we just give the patient some stem cells and send them home.”