[Previous entry: "A Bipartisan Solution to Social Security"] [Main Index] [Next entry: "Competing on Steroids"]

04/25/2005: "Republican Wins Oil Guzzling Contest"

Here’s an actual news story:
California Olive Oil News. A Publication of The Olive Oil, Volume 2 Issue 6, June 1999.
Winery Fetes Olive Oil Festival Events
“Glen Ellen - On May 15 olive oil producers met a crowd of enthusiasts eager to taste this season's oils. About 15 producers laid out their wares in a grassy field under a canopy of old growth Picholine olive trees. Oil was available for tasting and purchase. The day was punctuated by cooking and olive pressing demonstrations.”
Following is the TV coverage of one additional event at the oil festival. This new event never actually happened, but can’t you just picture it?
“Now we go to Alicia D’Addio at the Olive Oil Festival.”
“Thanks, Bill. We’re here at the annual Sonoma County Olive Oil Festival talking with the winner of the oil guzzling contest, Sue Lurp. Sue was not only the winner, she guzzled twice as much as any other contestant! Sue, you certainly seemed motivated to win.”
“That’s right, Alicia. I hope to be the Republican nominee from this congressional district next year, so I took this opportunity to use the event to underscore the urgent need to ensure we are tapping every available domestic oil resource, starting with the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. It’s a crime that during these tough economic times there are enormous stocks of petroleum just sitting there in the ground. Oil in the ground doesn’t do us any good, Alicia. Think of all the jobs we could create by accelerating production of all known domestic reserves into right now!”
“When I heard about this event, I knew it was the opportunity we’ve been looking for down at Party Headquarters to make the public more aware of this pressing issue. Pun intended, ha-ha! We got the idea from President Bush, who as you know is always very effective in getting his vision across by using symbolic backdrops. I still get goose bumps thinking about that speech he gave on taking full advantage of our God-given natural resources. Having that old-growth forest in the background, the ultimate symbol of squandered economic opportunity, really hit home.”
“That’s great, Sue. So tell me… Uh, are you OK, Sue?”
Sue has turned away and is moving in a hurried shambling gait towards the row of Port-a-Potties behind them. “Could you please excuse me, Alicia?” she calls back over her shoulder
“I guess it’s back to you, Bill.”
“Thanks, Alicia. It’s great to see someone who’s really willing to stand up for her beliefs!”
“That’s true, Bill, but I think she’s actually sitting down for her beliefs right about now!”
“Good one, Alicia! This is Bill Reeder from Sonoma County Fox News. ‘If there’s a Right Wing angle we’ll find it.’ And now these messages…”