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04/09/2005: "Commuter Olympics"

NYC is in the running for the 2012 Olympics, so that’s an issue with quite a bit of visibility to The City. (FYI for those not from NYC, people from here don’t typically call it “New York” or “NYC.” They’ll say “how long have you been in The City” or “I’m going into The City tomorrow.” For those who are thinking that this comes across as acting like NYC is the center of the universe, my answer would be “nailed it!” Anyway, with Olympics on our minds around here, and me being in a TGIF frame of mind and all (as I sit here under the Hudson River waiting for the train to start moving again), let me offer a suggestion for the Olympic Movement at large: Enough with the Ancient Greeks! Most of us live in metro areas now, so we need games one can imagine doing in cities. Just look at track and field. Maybe in Ancient Greece you could walk out of your villa and throw a javelin or discus, but try doing that in Times Square! I propose a greater focus on applying the games to modern life, and in that spirit I humbly offer the following for consideration: the Urban Steeplechase. The classic steeplechase has runners (human or equine) going cross country, negotiating lots of disagreeable impediments like mud and fences. The Urban steeplechase practiced by hundreds of thousands of NYC commuters every weekday is every much as challenging as it is unheralded. The Olympics coming to NYC would be the best opportunity we’ll ever have to rectify that! Here’s how I picture it. The race starts in the bowels of Penn Station (the only station in the civilized world that is nothing BUT bowels!) All the racers pack into the trains, and when the little red light comes on and the doors open, they’re off! The first strategic decision is getting to ground level. Do you hold out for the escalator and maybe be able to walk up the left (thus getting the power boost) or, for fear of being stuck behind a stander, go for the more lightly traveled stairs. Or really take a flyer and go for the elevator. Once the decision is made, the next obstacle is the Swinging Backpack in the Face Dodge. Many a racer is knocked out of contention by poor timing! Next is the Subway Fork. Do you stay underground for the 1, 2, 3, or 9 trains (in local and express flavors), changing trains in Time Square or do you try to get through the shortest walk signal in the universe (about 5 seconds) and do the power walk down to the N, R, or W in Herald Square, which give a straight shot? (But don’t be distracted by the worthless Q train, which only goes to 57th!). Next is the Metrocard Swipe, an event similar to the biathlon (with its running and shooting) in that you can get big penalties trying to go too fast. To get through without even a bit of slowing, you need to have the card in a very precise bow, a configuration difficult to achieve if you’re too winded. Many an urban competitor is stopped dead by the “Swipe Again,” not to mention that nasty whack to the front of the leg. Then there’s the Worst Case Scenario, the outcome that makes grown men cry, the dreaded “Swipe Again At This Turnstile.” When you see it, that’s all she wrote. Then, having jumped onto the subway car, which side and which door to wait for the opening? The wrong choice costs a fifteen second wait while the crowd slowly crawls out of the train and up the steps. Be the first one out and you’re home free! The home stretch is the Intersection Dilemma. You have five short blocks and three long blocks. Strategy is paramount – you can’t afford to be stuck on the corner with cars whizzing by and nowhere to go. Note I didn’t say “stuck with a no walk sign.” New Yorkers, in contrast to most cities in the US, treat the red no walk hand as a helpful suggestion, not as anything with force of law. The only forces of law New Yorkers care about are the forces dictated by the laws of physics! While the gold medalist in the decathlon my claim the title “world’s greatest athlete, I’m thinking that “worlds fastest commuter,” or, colloquially, the “global rat racer” is the real athletic title for our age!