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12/30/2004: "A New Meaning for “Snow Job”"

The language of Dittohead has a rich technical usage extending far beyond the conversational forms familiar from popular outlets like The Rush Limbaugh Show. Indeed, as the Bush Administration has cemented its hold on the US federal executive, legislative, and judicial branches, Dittohead has become the lingua franca of bureaucratese. Here’s a noteworthy example: Dittohead Treasury Secretary John Snow’s recap of US finances for 2004. Considering what we already know about these finances, you just know that this was going to be good, and Snow does not disappoint! The complete doc is at linkbut most of the real laughs are in Snow’s introduction. The following excerpt is a particularly sterling example of financial Dittohead, which we will then translate into Blue State English: “In fiscal year 2004, government revenues were $1.9 trillion, an increase of more than $100 billion over fiscal year 2003 and the first increase in four years. The net cost of the government’s operations was $2.5 trillion, including all accrued costs. Total revenues less operating costs resulted in a net operating cost of slightly more than $615 billion, down from $668 billion last year.” The first step in translation is to identify the particular idiom in use. This particular passage is an excellent illustration of the Dittohead idiom known to linguists as “lipstick on the pig.” Knowing this, the translator can apply the correct English substitution among the myriad of possible Dittohead meanings. For example, the unaware reader may attempt to assign positive meanings to words like “increase” for things that sound good and “decrease” and “down” for things that sound bad. Don’t be distracted by this! Remember that English translations of Dittohead phrases related to finance cannot produce positive terms, since Dittohead usage precludes phrases that mean “good” or “correct” in English financial terminology. Thus, the proper English translation of any positive Dittohead financial terms is “oops!” Do not worry about translating Dittohead financial phrases with a negative tone, since you will never encounter one. When a Dittohead financial phrase is expressed in a neutral tone, for example “net operating cost of …$615 Billion,” the positive “oops” tone must be replaced with the “O MY GOD!” tone. In this particular example, a complete translation into Blue State English would be “O MY GOD THIS YEAR WE CHARGED OUR KIDS ANOTHER 2/3 TRILLION DOLLARS JUST FOR BEING BORN IN THE USA!”