[Previous entry: "How to Talk to a Dittohead about Loving America"] [Main Index] [Next entry: "How to Talk to a Dittohead about Moral Values"]

11/29/2004: "How to Talk to a Dittohead about Iraq"

Continuing our series on holiday family get-together-stand-around-with-the-guys-with-a-glass-of-wine conversations on politics with Dittohead relations, let’s cover the second most frequent topic – Iraq, specifically the myriad reasons that Dittoheads offer as irrefutable grounds for America’s invasion. BTW, when I say “second most frequent topic,” that’s my estimate based on my theoretical understanding of Dittoheads from having listened to them on the Rush show, not necessarily from observation of actual Dittohead relatives in action at holiday parties. Just to clear that up. Anyway, should the topic of Iraq come up with a Dittohead, you need to copy the example of Bush’s invasion in the first place – show absolute confidence. Dittoheads have uncanny sensitivity to uncertainty, interpret it as surrender, and have an instinct to immediately begin feeding. Also, keep things very simple (again just like Bush) even at the cost of nuance. Dittoheads interpret nuance as surrender and… well, you know the rest. One strategy you might consider is to laugh uncontrollably whenever they use the word “terrorist” in relation to Iraq. Fortunately, that’s easy to do, considering that Saddam had absolutely no interest in helping Al Qaeda, who hated his guts. Similarly, use the Big Laugh when a Dittohead calls an Iraqi insurgent a “terrorist.” Try asking whether they have seen the movie Red Dawn. (This is a rhetorical question, since every Dittohead has worn out at least one cassette in repeated viewings). They likely won’t understand the connection, so be patient and very, very simple. Ask what they would do if a non-Christian country invaded the US (even a US headed by a Liberal like Clinton – either one). Then ask if the announcement of elections would cause them to turn in their guns to the foreign occupier. They probably still haven’t gotten it, so gently make the connection to the point of view of insurgent Iraqis. Then do the Big Laugh! Don’t think that you can only use the Big Laugh once. After all, Bush has cited many reasons for invading Iraq, all diligently parroted by Dittoheads, and all equally deserving of the Big Laugh Treatment (BLT). So, as an exercise, practice your Big Laugh delivery for each of the following invasion rationales: 1) Oil for Food. 2) Saddam was a dictator. 3) Liberal media ignoring our successes. 4) WMD. For extra credit, try the Extra Big Laugh (XBL) for: 5) Fighting them there so we don’t have to fight them here!