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11/19/2004: "Crazy Dad"

Imagine that you were a teenager in a really dysfunctional family. Since all teenagers think their families are dysfunctional, we need to identify some specific behaviors that anyone would agree are positively, certifiably dysfunctional from any point of view. I don�t mean pathology � dysfunction is more like eccentric behavior that doesn�t cross the line into crime. I�m thus not talking about drunkenness, beatings, or dark behaviors of that ilk � more like the stuff teenagers would giggle about to their friends. So what sorts of things would Dad need to do to put his family unit (let�s call them the Yanks) into a bland dysfunction? Here are some ideas. First imagine that Dad (let�s call him George) is obsessed with their quality of life. He believes it is his family�s birthright to live better than any of the neighbors. For example, he just has to have the biggest gun collection. He just has to be the first on the block with broadband internet and GPS. He just has to have a big gas-guzzler SUV that fits his cowboy image. The problem is that Dad�s agency just doesn�t produce the income to support this standard of living, and he�s told the family too many times that it would be immoral for him to subject them to the sacrifices necessary to squeeze more cash from the family business. Instead, Dad has been borrowing money from the neighbors for the last twenty years. As a result, the Yanks owe the neighbors more than four times Dad�s annual income! (Are we dysfunctional yet?) Dad has no plans to stop borrowing, though. In fact, he�s been borrowing a lot more over the last four years, and has been talking about making permanent his non-demanding work schedule and the low revenues it brings, in the interest of family togetherness. He also has no plans to cut back on the family�s buying, and even signed up for a new prescription drug benefit. As you might imagine, the neighbors are a bit uneasy about Dad�s fiscal practices, but they have always liked the Yank family. Unfortunately, there was a drive-by shooting at the Yanks� house a couple of years ago by a wacko named Ben Laden. Laden put a bullet right through the Yanks� big picture window, showering the whole family in glass! Everyone felt sorry for the Yanks, and were even OK when Dad chased off the manager of the apartment where Laden used to live. Laden himself was nowhere to be found. Dad obsessed that there might be other low-lifes in the neighborhood that would be encouraged to do their own drive-by. Dad started telling people that Sam, the gas station owner who lived around the corner, had been looking at Dad sideways ever since Sam and George�s Dad (also named George) had gotten into an argument. It came to a head when Dad went to the neighbors to accuse Sam of planning his own drive-by shooting and to demand that they all band together and take over Sam�s house. The neighbors were aghast, and tried to talk Dad out of it. Dad had already made up his mind, though, and before you know it Sam is tied up in the basement and Dad is telling Sam�s kids how lucky they are to be subject to Yank family rules, which allow more privileges than they had been used to. To Dad�s surprise, Sam�s kids freaked out when the Yanks tried to adopt them. Even a year and a half later they are still behaving more and more badly every month. The neighbors are also becoming increasingly restless about all the money that Dad owes them, and have been thinking of charging more interest. But the Yank family loves their Dad, despite the setbacks the family has recently experienced and their unsettled prospects for the future. Indeed, at the last family meeting Dad got a big vote of confidence. Now how�s that for dysfunctional?!