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11/07/2004: "Open Letter to the President"

Congratulations, Mr. President, on your reelection. OK, maybe you and I might have just a little disagreement over whether 1% beyond a split down the middle constitutes a “sweeping mandate,” but hey! Elections are like plane rides – any landing you walk away from is good enough. You should take pride that you’ve accomplished all of the goals that got you into politics in the first place. You surpassed Jeb by ending up being the first to end up in Dad’s old office. You took care of unfinished family business by taking out Saddam after Poppy’s overcaution lost him the Hawk vote. You showed how words that appear on presidential lips have to be pursued full speed ahead, damn the deficits! You even did Poppy one better by mounting the fastest invasion in history (as measured by miles per hour)! It’s now time to demonstrate presidential leadership. (Remember all those times you talked about leadership during the campaign?) Leadership is about example, and Americans are looking to you to set the example for them. This is particularly important to your base, who can’t be looking up to Hollywood celebrities because they’re all lefties. If people can’t envy the celebrity lifestyle, you need to offer them an alternative. You can do this, Mr. President, by offering your leadership in the personal lifestyle most Americans know and love you for: taking vacation. When Americans are depressed over their measly two weeks a year, your six week recreational marathons are an invaluable lift to the national spirit. When you’re out there clearing brush, Americans daydream about how they’d rather be working in the garden. So kick back! Take some more long vacations! You know you want to. All this hard work has been….well, hard work! Not really your cup of tea. And you deserve a break! Leadership of the free world really takes it out of you, particularly when the world doesn’t seem to want to go where you’re leading. (You showed them, though!) So relax, enjoy the fruits of your success. Live off the fat of the land for awhile! It’s the least you can do for your devoted fans, not to mention the free world (who can itself maybe use a little bit of a vacation from your leadership!)