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09/11/2003: "My 9/11 Exchange with Those Wacky Patriots"

Last year I did a little give and take with my favorite species of wacko, the gun rights crowd. One of the reasons I so enjoy crossing swords with this gang is that I have a certain understanding of where they’re coming from. For example, how many college students spent a good chunk of their after-class time like me, making holes in paper targets? Their problem is that they’ve lost all sense of balance on this question. This was never more clear than in our online interactions on the problem of gun terrorism, the issue that first brought me to their message board during the period last year that those two guys in DC decided that paper targets just weren’t doing it for them. I posited the scenario that Al Qaeda launches a new series of attacks on a 9/11 anniversary, but this time using a nationwide big blizzard of sniping attacks as opposed to big bombs or big planes. I even imagined a gloating bin Laden audiotape on al Jazeera, saying "in the same way we used your planes to show the weakness of your technology, we have used your guns to show the weakness of your cowboy culture." I then suggested what advice the NRA would give to the President: “First, we need to work the ‘harsh punishment’ angle. Let's go back to what they did in medieval England, where criminals were not only executed but also drawn and quartered. Second, people should take sensible precautions against sniping attacks. They have to get on with their lives - the economy depends on it - but they can take lessons from the Army. For example, when crossing an exposed parking lot, they should low-crawl. Third, you should point out to the American people that folks die all the time, and a nation of 270 million should be able to absorb this without a hiccup. Tell them that if they don't agree then they're liberal wimps." I then asked people on the board to post what they would say to the President. Some really got into it, with flag-waving speeches about tyranny and the blood of patriots. Invariably they had Bush being moved practically to tears by their wisdom (and doing nothing else). I then suggested a somewhat different Presidential reaction, along these lines: “Hanging up the phone, Bush turned to Rove and said ‘That's just great! Now if I don't buck the NRA I'm a one-termer for sure.’ Rove answered, ‘What are they going to do, give their money to Hillary!?’ They both had a good laugh, then Bush hit the intercom button and said ‘Get me Ted Kennedy. Let's see if he has any ideas.” So which Bush response do you think would be most likely?