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Sher's Blog Archive Hits This is What Treason Really Looks Like, Ann White House Prayer Meetings as a Substitute for Ethical Behavior This Ain't Your Grandma's Party! Sher's Ratios: Sex to Scandal and Mischief to Money Fourth Grade Economics Midterm My Pitch to the Club for Growth
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America's Seamy Underbelly TV announcer: Today on America’s Seamy Underbelly: Inside the Biologist Clubs. ASU takes a revealing look into the phenomenon that’s sweeping the nation. We’ll be following the bachelorette party for thirty year old Judy on her first trip to a Biologist Club. We’ll be talking to people with all different opinions on the Biologist Clubs, from protestors trying to get them shut down to Town Council members who welcome the taxes these clubs pay. We’ll talk to a club biologist, finding out how they really feel about their “profession,” and finally we’ll actually go into a Biologist Club so you can see for yourself what is happening behind those closed doors, another peek into the back rooms of America’s Seamy Underbelly. Reporting is Harold Rivers. Harold? Harold: Thanks, Diane. Here in a run-down part of town is the latest Biologist Club, Eager Beagle, occupying the building what was formerly the Pussycat Lounge. The new owners have seen fit to retain its exterior decorating theme of garish neon. There are no windows to reveal what is happening inside. Here comes our bachelorette party. They’re giving Judy one last fling before tying the knot tomorrow. Lynne, you arranged this party. Why did you decide to have it at a Biologist Club? Lynne: Harold, those male model clubs are so yesterday. We wanted to give Judy something special, a real thrill before starting her boring married life! Harold: How about you, Judy? How do you feel about coming here? Judy: Well, I was pretty nervous when Lynne first told me about it, but I’ve always been curious about Biology. I mean, you know how your parents used to actually get this stuff in school, how they sometimes talk about it, you just feel like it would be fun to see what all the fuss is about! Harold: Thanks, Judy. Now let’s talk to one of the protestors that have been diligently picketing out front of Eager Beagle every night since it opened. Tell me, Sir, what is your group and why are you here? Protestor: We’re from a coalition of local church groups, here to try to discourage would-be patrons from exposing themselves to Biologist filth. We just want to help people to think about what they’re doing. Giving these clubs money just perpetuates their twisted values and damages the community. Many studies have shown the connection between Biology and crime, blight, and decline in property values. It’s a perversion that they hide under the First Amendment! We expect the Supreme Court to judge this for what it is, an attempt to foist obscene, unwholesome ideas on our youth under the guise of entertainment. Harold: Diane, we previously interviewed Town Council member Ned Cash, who has a very different perspective on the Biologist Clubs. Ned: Harold, these Clubs are a source of much-needed town revenue. Business is hurting all over town right now. Our tax revenues are way down, and without new enterprises like the Biologist Clubs we’d have to either raise taxes or cut services. And these clubs have been good citizens! Look how the town’s Biologist Clubs bought the high school the new Elaine Morgan Swimming Pool. Of course we can’t tell the kids who she was, but we could have never afforded a luxury like that on our own. Having a pool has given the school a real edge over all the others in competitive swimming. So I have nothing bad to say about Biologist Clubs, no matter what a lot of people are saying! Harold: Diane, next we talked with an actual Club Biologist, “Charlie Dee.” Charlie, tell us how someone ends up as a performer in a biology club. Charlie: Harold, I’m just trying to make a living. I first got into it to make ends meet in college, plus it seemed to really warm up the chicks when I started to throw the Biologist lingo around, you know, suppression of estrus, the uniqueness of continuous sexual receptivity in the human female, that stuff. Hey, I’m not proud about it, but that’s how it is when you’re young and loaded with testosterone. Then when the departments all closed, it was either something like this or working in pest control. I mean, you never know how long it’s going to last, but I just want to sock away a little nest egg while I can. Harold: Diane, when we get back our cameras will give you a front row seat on Charlie Dee’s performance! Diane: A warning to parents - the following segment contains material that many will find objectionable. This material is not suitable for those under 21. Diane: We’re back with America’s Seamy Underbelly. A warning to parents - the following segment contains material that many will find objectionable. This material is not suitable for those under 21. Howard: Inside – dark walls, light low from garish colored bulbs concealing the chipped paint. There’s a perverse energy in the air. From the doorway we can see seated denizens grinning sheepishly while their bodies subtly move to the music. Ravel’s Bolero. We buy a ticket - cash only - from an overweight ticket taker and push through the creaky turnstile. We get our first look at the stage, where several biologists sit on stools. The leering audience right under the stage is leaning forward to take it all in. He’s hard to recognize in costume, but that’s Charlie Dee with his right arm in the air, rotating it back and force seductively in time to the music. Let’s listen in on what he’s saying. Charlie Dee: …note how the forearm is able to rotate freely while the arm and the body remain in the same orientation. Only one group of animals has this skeletal feature: the great apes. This structure allows apes to hang from the bottoms of limbs as they move from one limb to another. Monkeys, smaller than apes, do not have this capability. Instead of hanging from limbs, they navigate their arboreal environment by scampering on the tops of the limbs. Because only great apes and humans have this structure, and because of many other common anatomical features, Biologists believe that both humans and great apes evolved from a common precursor. Harold: There you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen! Raw Biology! Let’s talk to Judy, just returning from a lap dance with a Biologist in the restricted back room. Judy, what did you think? Judy: Wow, Harold, what a rush! When I first sat down he started talking about Homo Erectus and I felt cheated. All that money just to hear about run-of-the-mill gay sex. Then I realized he was talking about a proto-human! I haven’t stopped blushing! You wouldn’t believe the other things he said! This is the wildest bachelorette party I’ve ever done, and I’ve been on some doozies! Harold: Well, Diane, there it is. At this very moment the Biologists at the Eager Beagle and at Biologist Clubs all across the country are out there plying their seamy trade. On the screen are some web sites for organizations who are trying to stop the explosion of Biologist Clubs in our nation. They can provide information on what you can do:
Diane: Thanks, Harold. Next on America’s Seamy Underbelly – Biologists on the web. Are your children safe? |
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