If Big-C Conservatism were
(more of) a Religion
We'd thank Ann for the idea
that a political philosophy can qualify as a religion but we actually thought of
it first.
“Hello, Father.”
“Hello, my children. How can We at the Church of the Big Sea bestow God’s
blessings on you?”
“Well, Father, our friends are really buzzing about Big Sea, so we thought we’d
check it out. We have a few questions, though.”
“Of course, my children. Our books are open.”
“Father, what are your expectations for donations?”
“We at the Church of the Big Sea believe that people should keep more of their
hard-earned dollars. Of course, the Church has needs. Security is always an
issue in these troubled times. Also, as you may have heard, the Church invests
heavily in the commercial enterprises of our parishioners. We have found that
Our donation and investment policies have made Us particularly attractive as a
Holy Institution compared to other Churches. This accounts for the tremendous
growth We have experienced over the last twenty years. While this combination
has frequently resulted in Our investments exceeding Our donations,
forward-thinking lenders, recognizing the great potential of Our Church, have
made up the difference for Us.”
“What are the Church’s social programs, Father?”
“We at the Church of the Big Sea feel that other Churches squander their
parishioner’s donations on so-called ‘good works.’ We don’t believe in wasting
money on marginal people when there are so many wealthy people seeking meaning
in their lives. For example, other Churches spend huge amounts of money on
missionaries, who dissipate it trying to convert dirt-poor people in backward
countries. Instead, our “missionaries” are political candidates. Why go to all
the trouble of having to convince people to believe when you can get a law
passed accomplishing the same thing for much less money? This is the true
meaning of Christian Stewardship. We at the Church of the Big Sea are the only
followers of Christ who display proper Conservative values without the slightest
hint of soft-headed liberalism.”
“Well, Father, you’ve convinced us! How do we become members?”
“We at the Church of the Big Sea are happy to have you join Our flock. We
suggest you start with a significant tax-deductible ‘donation.’ That’s what the
accountants make Us call it, of course, but you should think of it as an
investment that, as the Good Book says, will have you ‘reaping where you did not
sow.’”
The Right Wing's Final Solution to the Abortion Question
