Inaugural Ball Game

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Inaugural Ball Game

Scene: Bush inaugural ball in the expansive ballroom of an opulent mansion.
“Thank you all for coming, and thank you for your contributions to my campaign. We have big plans to make the next term even more successful than the first, and I'm sure you will all continue do your part to make that possible. Finally, I have a personal message for Jonesie. Karl’s got a special surprise for him. Thank you all, and God Bless America!”
“Oh, oh,” muttered Karl to Dick Cheney beside him. “We've got a problem. There are three Joneses in the crowd tonight!”
Sure enough, Jones #1 is already making a beeline towards Karl.
"Big Sugar is grateful to the President and particularly to you, Karl, for
coming through for us again. With the government's fiscal crisis we were worried that the Libs would finally knock out our subsidy.”
"Uh, sorry Bob, but it wasn't you. But don't worry, we recognize the
historical role that Big Sugar has played for America, dating back before there even was a United States. Had it not been for Big Sugar’s influence in Parliament, there wouldn’t have been a Molasses Act favoring Jamaican cane over the Colonies’ molasses, and without that provocation there might well not have been a Revolution. So in a very real sense we all owe Big Sugar a big debt of gratitude for our very liberties!”
“Wow, Karl, I’d heard that you were a history buff but I had no idea! We at Big Sugar are of course proud of the role that we have played over the centuries in protecting agriculture.”
“Thanks for your continued support, Bob, particularly your generous contributions to our effort. You won’t be sorry. Could you excuse me for a moment, I need to speak with Tom.”
“Hi Karl, I have to assume that you got WMD Omega through the Committee.”
“Sorry, Tom. We have a case of mistaken identity here, but rest assured that Omega is at the top of our list.”
“You guys didn’t give away so much money in tax cuts that there’s nothing left for security, did you?”
“Of course not, Tom. Those cuts were needed to starve the Beast. Military spending won’t be affected. It’s the very basis for our liberties! In fact, you can expect another boost. We’ll still be beating the drums for tax cuts, of course. We need to maintain our fundraising edge over the Libs. But 9/11 will be right up there too. Could you excuse me, I need to speak with Charlie Jones here.”
“Karl! You can’t believe my joy in hearing not only that our faith-based program was approved, but particularly that the President has honored me with a nickname! I’m deeply moved!”
“Sorry, Charlie. It was someone else. But you know that your program is at the top of the President’s agenda. It’s a real win-win for all of us. Not only does it put the government firmly on the bedrock of observant Christian morality that is the very basis for our liberties, but also diverts money from Liberal government bureaucrats who want to waste it on social experiments. Church-based charity has stood the test of time for over a thousand years. You can’t go wrong with such a proven system! And don’t worry, I’ll talk to the President. I’m sure he’s given you a nickname and just hasn’t shared it with me yet.”
“Thanks, Karl, I’d be deeply grateful. I’ll make sure the Coalition makes you and the President grateful too!”
As the crowd thins out, an elderly gentleman in a smoking jacket approaches. He has a pipe in one hand and the leash to a scotch terrier in the other.
“How was the take, Karl?”
“Excellent, Sir, as always when we do it here. Thanks again for the use of your place.”
“Always a pleasure, Karl. So you have a surprise?”
“Yes, Sir, right here.”
As Karl reaches into his pocket, the dog suddenly rises on its hindquarters and yaps twice as he sees the dog biscuit emerge from Karl’s pocket.
“Good dog, Jonesie!” Here you go, Boy!”